What would happen if they ever found out?

How to begin removing your mask to reveal the real you

Last night I was watching The Joe Schmo Show, a reality show parody. It follows Matt Kennedy Gould, who believes he’s a contestant on a reality show, completely unaware the show is fake. When asked during a confessional-style interview if he was a confident guy, Matt admitted, “I mean, on the outside. I struggle like the rest of us on the inside, though.” He added, “I was born with good social graces, so they tend to lend themselves to confidence. But really, I’m just fighting like everyone else.”

Listening to Matt, I realized how true this is for many of us. On the inside, we often struggle with awkwardness, feelings of inadequacy, and other painful emotions. But to the world around us, we portray someone who is well-adjusted and confident.

Sometimes we create this persona deliberately and assume it whenever we interact with others. But sometimes we may be completely unaware we’re doing it. Intentional or not, we conceal our true selves for reasons that are uniquely personal to each of us.

Wearing a mask

Throughout my research on resilience, I’ve met many people who have confessed that they routinely assume an air of confidence – a mask – to conceal what’s really going on inside. Sometimes their mask portrays the extreme opposite of what they’re feeling. They wear this mask as a form of self-protection to hide their fears and shield themselves from judgement. It gets them through moments of insecurity, rejection, or hopelessness.

Whether we put on a mask to appear more confident or to hide the fact that we are not okay, it served a purpose during stressful or uncomfortable times in our lives. Over time, wearing a mask becomes second nature.

Putting on armor

Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfections, refers to this type of self-protection as putting on armor. She sees armor and the fear it hides as a natural response when we feel vulnerable or ashamed. But she poses a profound question: “How can you be seen when you’re armored up your entire life and what people see is what you put out there?”

When we experience uncomfortable feelings, Brown suggests that we give ourselves permission to stay with the fear, explore it, and ask ourselves whether we’re self-protecting. It can be difficult to know when we’re doing it. Brown offers some clues during her discussion with Oprah Winfrey about breaking down common types of armor, including perfectionism, numbing, and foreboding joy. When Brown gives examples of numbing, like turning to food, drugs, or gossip, Oprah insightfully adds social media. Brown describes foreboding joy as “dress rehearsing” tragedy when something great happens. It’s our way of preparing for the worst even when things are at their best. Can you think of times when you’ve engaged in any of these behaviors?

Protecting ourselves against “that thought”

Actor Jim Carrey offers his own perspective on self-protection. He describes the part of us that we protect as the dirt that pearls are built around. In his inspiring video, Who is the real you, Carrey explains that the pearl is the personality we build around ourselves as protection against “that thought.” For Carrey, it’s the thought that “if they ever found out that I’m worthless – if they ever find out that I’m not enough – I’ll be destroyed.”

His powerful words remind me of the thought that haunts me: “If they ever found out that I’m a fraud – if they ever realize I have no business leading people – I’ll be ruined.” Thoughts like these can be exhausting and compel us to keep our masks intact.

How can we break the cycle?

Removing your mask, or setting aside your armor, starts with simply recognizing when you’re doing it. As Brown shared, it’s a natural response. When you suspect you might be self-protecting to conceal what’s troubling you, stop and ask yourself why. Focus on how you’re feeling. Scared? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Something else? Then consider whether that feeling is worth hiding. It may feel like it in the moment, but is it sustainable? Or, is being seen and accepted for who you truly are ultimately worth more to you?

Try sharing your feelings with someone you trust, someone who cares about you. I remember how hard it was for me to admit to a colleague how, behind my mask, I felt like a fraud. I also remembered how surprised I was when she confessed to feeling the same way. It’s comforting knowing you’re not the only one. It’s also a powerful way to learn and grow when we share with others.

If you’re uncomfortable sharing your feelings, try journaling. Capturing your feelings on paper, or digitally, can help you understand not only what you’re feeling, but it will also give you the space you need to begin accepting yourself as you are.

Practicing self-compassion is another valuable tool. Many people show great compassion to others but find it difficult to do the same for themselves. Think about how you treat your friends when they’re struggling. Do you encourage them, give them support, cheer loudly when they succeed, comfort them when they fail? Do the same for yourself.

Unmasking your feelings can be difficult at first, but it gets easier, and it’s well worth it. Be patient with yourself. With masks and armor years in the making, it may take time to become comfortable sharing who you really are without them.

Remember, what you put out there is only a part of who you are. There’s so much more to you behind your mask, beneath your armor. Finding your true self is a blessing. Sharing it with others is a gift.